Ladies, take your seats, because the curtain’s up, the spotlight is on, and we are deep in the middle of my latest production: Broadway Baby Drama. Our lead actor? Let’s call him “Mr. Spotlight.” Why? Because everything about him is… well… sparkly. Literally.
Mr. Spotlight is an experience. One moment, he’s putting some random necklace on my neck (romantic in theory, puzzling in practice). The next, I’m staring at his bejewels-on-the-headboard Snapchat, wondering if he’s crashing at a girl’s house or if he’s secretly a Pinterest DIY influencer. And the cherry on top? The man drinks like he’s getting paid by the bottle and might have some extracurricular habits that would make even the wildest rock stars blink twice.
The other night, I got what every actress dreams of: a callback. But here’s the twist—it was at 4 a.m.. No text leading up to it, no explanation, just vibes. And there I was, standing in the wings, wondering if this callback meant I was about to land the leading role in his life… or if I was one heartfelt monologue away from getting cut.
But let’s break this down, shall we? Because dating is like theater, and we’re all just out here trying to get cast in the right production. Here’s how you navigate the dating stage, Broadway-style:
Audition:
The first meet. Maybe it’s a Tinder swipe or a meet-cute at Starbucks when you both grab the same oat milk. Either way, this is the stage where he’s giving you his best lines, his most polished charm, and you’re figuring out if he’s Denzel or a straight-to-DVD actor.
Callback
Ah, the callback. He’s interested enough to keep you in the running but not fully committed. This is when you’re getting texts like “U up?” and impromptu hangouts that feel romantic in the moment but leave you questioning their sincerity when the house lights go up.
Cut:
This is when you’ve seen enough of the production to know it’s not for you. Maybe he’s too messy, too unmotivated, or just too ugh. You hand in your resignation, tell the director, “Thanks, but no thanks,” and exit stage left.
Understudy:
The most disrespectful role of all. You’re around, but you’re not the one. Maybe you’re a placeholder, a backup, or just someone he keeps on the hook.
Newsflash: an understudy is never treated like the star, and you deserve the spotlight.
Leading Role:
The dream gig. He’s consistent, communicative, and treats you like the star you are. No callbacks at 4 a.m., no wondering where you stand—just a solid role with no toxic plot twists.
Right now, with Mr. Spotlight? I’m stuck in callback purgatory. He’s sweet, sure. He’s unpredictable, definitely. But is he leading man material? The jury’s still out.
But here’s the truth, besties: Every audition isn’t worth taking, and every callback doesn’t mean you’ve landed the gig. If he’s not showing up like a star—and by that, I mean no more mystery Snapchats with bedazzled headboards or 4 a.m. summons—you have every right to cut him from your cast.
And let’s be real—why settle for a role in someone else’s mediocre production when you could be directing your own hit show? The one where you’re the lead, the creative genius, and the box-office queen.
So, the next time a boy comes waltzing into your life with big promises and little effort, remember this: You’re not auditioning for them—they’re auditioning for you. And if they’re not giving leading-man energy, don’t hesitate to call “Next!”
Because, darling, you’re not just the star of your show—you are the show.
