There’s a very specific kind of psychological warfare that happens when you’re scrolling Hinge at 1 a.m.—hoodie on, pimple patch barely hanging on—and suddenly BAM: a man with aggressively golden retriever energy and a dog to match shows up.
Shirt unbuttoned. Sunlight hitting his cheekbone just right. For a second (just a second), you think: “Wait… do I like him?”
But deep down, you know the answer: no babe, you like the dog.
The Scam That Is: The Dog Pic
We’ve reached a point in dating app culture where it’s impossible to tell if someone’s actually attractive—or if they’re just holding a Labradoodle named Moose.
It’s a trap. A scam. A softboy siren song designed to extract every last drop of oxytocin from your system.
Because a man holding a dog? That’s his way of saying:
“I’m nurturing.”
“I can commit.”
“You should totally picture me as a father.”
Like sir, you don’t even wash your sheets weekly. But okay, go off with your emotional manipulation.
Let’s Break It Down:
- The Rescue Dog Gambit: He says the dog is a “rescue” like that cancels out the fact he’s emotionally unavailable and still likes his ex’s thirst traps.
- The Hiking Trail Setup: Shirtless, in the woods, husky in hand. It’s giving “REI catalog,” but you live in a studio and own one plate.
- The Group Dog Pic: Three guys. One dog. Who owns it? Who knows. But you’ve already chosen the hottest one and assigned him full custody.
- The Caption That Lies: “He’s my best friend.” Ok… but do you go to therapy? Do you text back? Didn’t think so.
It’s Time We Hold Ourselves Accountable
This isn’t a call-out post. Except it kind of is.
It’s a gentle reminder that we, as chronically romantic and emotionally available women, need to stop projecting green flags onto beige walls.
Because hotness? Hotness isn’t holding a puppy.
- Hotness is texting back.
- Hotness is knowing what attachment style you have.
- Hotness is not emotionally fishing with a Golden Doodle and a dream.
The Next Time You Swipe…
Ask yourself: would you still swipe if the dog was cropped out?
Be brave. Be delulu. But don’t be deceived.
And if you’re reading this while spooning your situationship’s labradoodle on a random Sunday morning… I’m not judging. But the dog? He deserves better too.
